Sunday, April 12, 2009

" Happy Easter_____yeah, right! "


This is a little story from my past when I was a kid. It has Bob my brother and Trudy my sister in a time where Trudy is about 4, I am about 9 and Bob about 17.


Easter ____a Holy day unless of course you’re a kid. Then it’s Basket day, Candy day, Egg Hunt day____it’s Stomach day.

After the Hunt, we___Bob, Trudy and I___sat demolishing the contents of our baskets. Trudy and I tapped our eggs on the table and peeled and ate them. Not Bob, he banged them on his forehead. I was amazed and I tried it. That is really neat___it did not hurt and it worked real good. SMASH, SMASH, SMASH, SMASH and all my eggs were gone. Trudy had hers gone and Bob was on his last one.

I wanted more. Bob said he saw one last one in the icebox and went to get it. It was bright pink with a bunny sticker on it. He said I could have it if I gave him some of my candy. Fair trade, I had a lot of candy and he handed me the egg.

Mom and Dad came in, and I said “WATCH THIS”! I rammed the egg against my forehead_______it was not a hard boiled egg…..slow learner…Bob has struck again.




Happy Easter to all.



You all be safe…………………Later, Brad

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"They say I need to be caged"


If you are one of the ones that actually knows me then you are one of the ones that puts Tags on me such as: You need help!, You are insane!, You are too twisted for color TV!, There is not enough help to help you!, You are perverted!, You are sick!,etc.,etc. I am sure you get the point. All I am doing is living my life and just, well, being me.

Ruth Ann has to put up with my off-beat humor on a daily basis. For instance: The sign says "Live Girls and Live Music" what? You mean compared to "Dead Girls and Dead Music"? Oh, that is just a for instance. The slightest little thing will set my mind to a whir. No one is safe, the general public, friends or family. I relish in the moronic and macabre . I excel in the silly and perverted. I bask in the stupidity and senseless.

Below is a few of the most common absurdities that raise their heads almost on a daily basis:


1. Sports: I am not into them and I pretty much make fun of those that are.

2. Politics: I am, was, of one Party but now I am really pissed at them.

3. Sex: Like Joey on Friends says, there is hardly anything that can't be sexual.

4. People: No one is safe in this category.

5. Lifestyles: Really? Yea right, this is a safe topic.....NOT!


I am not prejudice in any of the above areas and will at times include all if not more in the same story line.


I don't do it in a mean way, most of the time. I love my family and they have come to know that I am only kidding when I say that their sports team is a looser. They know to just smile when I put them down for the Party they like. They say "Bless Your Heart" when I talk about people. They look understandingly when Lifestyles are brought up and they just shake their heads when I get on the sex thing. Why, because they know me and they know that I can't help myself from saying something to someone about something.

So if I say........Your sports team is some reject of a dumb ass political party that should be wearing pink Tutu's and participating in a group of human rejects that would screw up a wet dream.....then you know that I most likely do like you.

A leaving thought......I went to Vegas and went to a store and there, right where everyone could see, was a display of Men's Cologne........"FCUK" for men. You have got to be kidding me, you are going to put this in front of ME? For men, what about WOMEN? Surely you want to FCUK this and that. Is this not FCUKed up? What the FCUK..Oh come on, you can't say you don't think this is not FCUKing funny. You can't make up FCUK stuff like this.


This is how my mind works.


You all be safe......Later, Brad

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

" HIGHWAYS OF THE LIVING DEAD "


I can only imagine that when people get up in the morning that they are basically sane. They get up, walk around, fix something to eat and drink and get dressed. So far, they are a logical functioning human being. They are alert to all things around them and they proceed to enter the world, my world.

And then it happens, they open a door and sit down. They look in the mirror and congratulate themselves on being able to get to this point of their new day without hurting themselves. Then that round plastic object, the steering wheel, is in their hands and the pleasant outer layer of their appearance is melted away leaving a moronic alter ego insane personality.

I was driving on I-294 going north bound on the out-skirts of Chicago,IL around the 6 mile marker. It is about noon Chicago time and of course there is construction as usual so we are are down to 3 lanes. At this time I am in the slow lane, which is kinda of silly to say as all the lanes are moving slow. I glance in my right mirror and see a white car coming down the on-ramp in a hurry. Why I do not know because no one else seems to be in any hurry. But this moron is and as he gets to the bottom of the ramp he pays no attention to the yield sign nor the slow traffic nor that the ramp is ending very quickly and that there is a concrete barrier in front of him. I see what I think is going to be a decision on his part to stop and ease into traffic behind me. HA..yes I say HA. Ney ney my friends. He is in a Cadillac Se Ville and the road is HIS...NOT!! I watch in disbelief as he continues to come up my right side as the space for him is rapidly diminishing. All of a sudden he gets a smart fart in his brain and slams on his brakes. AWWWWWW...to late. He swerves a little to the right and BAM..taps the wall. I watch to see what other skills he may process and I am amazed at his next trick. Now, we are bumper to bumper going slow yet this imbecile manages to cut out behind me across two lanes of traffic and is now in the far left lane. Then he comes back two lanes of traffic and is now right in front of me throwing his brakes on and flipping me off. He jumps out of his car and waves his arms in the shy, a lot like a monkey does, and walks around. He goes to the right side of his car and points to someplace on the lower front end of his fender that is not visible to me and looks at me. I am not sure what he expects of me, does he want me to applaud? Unsure of what to do I motion with my hands and arms in a manner as if saying....sssssssoooooooo??!!??!! I now try to maneuver around him and finally someone lets me out. I am not going to stop here in the middle of the highway and get hit in this construction zone because of this lunatic. I jester for him to move up the road and find some where else to present his show-n-tell work of art. I call 911 and let them know what is going on and tell them where I am and give them my name and cell number. They tell me to go to the toll plaza up the road a bit so we can get to a safe place and that is where I go.

When I get there I call 911 back and tell them that I have arrived and am waiting for the Police. They ask about the idiot and I tell them he is no where around.

I have a lot of respect for the Law enforcement people and the 911 dispatch. After awhile, 45 minutes, no one has come and I call 911 again making sure everyone is on the right page. I am told that there was never a officer dispatched and that one would be right now. I don't know what happened other then maybe something " REALLY " important came up. Anyway, the officer got to me and as I explained to him what had happen, why I was here instead of there and the instructions I received form 911 he nodded. He asked where the other driver was and I told him I had no clue. He asked if I got hit or if I hit the car and I said no and he said then why did I think I needed to make a report. Again, I told him that I was trying to do everything right and follow directions. He said okay, but I could go. No one, the Master Driver, had made a report and not to worry about it.

So, if there is any one out there that gets Plasticsydous when they get in their means of transportation, beware..you DO NOT have the right to enter thruways without yielding, you DO NOT have the right to try and sandwich your vehicle between two objects that there is no way possibly for you to get through and you DO NOT have the right to leave your home when you are stupid. Go back to bed and call in sick and stay there until you grow up and can play with the rest of us nicely.


You all be safe............Later, Brad

Thursday, April 2, 2009

" If I had an Ice Pick "


If I had an ice pick I would use it on some low life scum of some decayed cesspool of an decrepit diseased mutant form from some worthless piece of crap planet and poke its eyes out with it.

You think I am upset, you do not know the half of it. Upset is a nursery school word for the word that I am. Here it is, a day of relaxation. A day that I intend to get on the web and play, read, post and just have fun. The first place I go is to Facebook where all my friends and family are. It is the day after April Fools day and there is a message from one of my sisters. She thinks she is so cute and is gonna get me with some day late April Fool stuff. Ruth Ann is talking to her on the phone and I tell her to wait a second I want to see what was sent to me. It says it is My First Video and the heading is " I GOTCHA hahahah WATCH AND CRY " ssoooo I hit play to see what craziness this is and BAM...VIRUS..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"NO" my sister did not send it to me. Some shit bag has hacked into facebook and is pretending to be your friend or family member and when you open it up you are possessed with this garbage.

I reacted as fast as I could but to late. There is a Bloodhound, several Trojan Horses and a couple of other kind of sick ass virus all band together and working faster then the speed of light.

I have tried Norton and Lavasoft but to no avail. I am now going to take everything off my laptop and take it back to factory settings. This is nothing but a bunch of bullshit. Some piece of afterbirth has screwed my computer, my day, my piece of mind and now you get to listen to me rant.

I should say I am sorry about my language, but I am not. I am just that mad. I think you would be also. I just hope none of you opened anything bad. I don't know how this person can get caught, but there is got to be away. Here I am going nuts because of all the crap I got to go through to fix my PC and I don't even know if taking it back to factory settings will work and this web whore is laughing its ass off. If taking it all the way back does not work then that means I have to get a new computer..dammit, now I am really getting mad. I better go before you all start throwing rocks at me. be careful on what you open.

You all be safe.............Later, Brad

" I am one of THOSE people !! "


We have a Min-Pin that truly believes that she is a Pinasorus. She, Baby Girl, is 8 years old and weighs all of 9 1/2 pounds. Remember that weight, it will come into play later. She is just as cute and lovable as can be and she knows it and will remind you of it in a heart beat.

She is a superb watch dog. By that I mean, no one is allowed to be by the truck, oh lets say with in the same state. Wherever we are parked it becomes her domain and you are not allowed in it. She has complete control of the truck and allows Ruth Ann and I to be in it at her pleasure. Let's say I pull on a fuel island. She will come up to see what I am about to do and let me out without much concern. If Ruth Ann gets out at the same time she has a little problem with that and voices her opinion. Now, I am done fueling and Ruth Ann has not returned. I release the breaks and pull up so the next driver can fuel. Now I am only going to move up a truck and trailer length and Baby Girl is back in the bed under the pillows. As I am in the process of pulling up the little black demon from hell comes flying up to the front and jumps onto the passenger seat, nose against the window, barking her fool head off, turns to me and gives me paws on hip cocked head barking as if to say "MOM IS NOT IN THE TRUCK, STOP THE TRUCK OR I WILL CHEW YOUR HEAD OFF" barking. I set the breaks and with this insane animal bouncing off the back of my legs and barking like crazy I slam the door in her face and wait to see if her maniac form appears in the driver's window and I smile up at her as I turn and walk inside to get my fuel receipt and see if I can help Ruth Ann with anything.

Let's see, what do we do for her: when we buy food for us we buy for her also, if we are eating snacks that are okay for her to eat then she is included in the snacking, when she needs to go out we stop just as soon as we can and carry her to the grass and back. If it is snowing, and no matter if it is a dusting or knee high deep, I will clear a area with my feet down to the grass for her even though she will sniff it and jump back in the snow to do whatever she has to do.

What she does for us: she gives us love, enjoyment, photo moments, warmth (she buries herself next to us and she is a very powerful source of heat), she amuses us. She is our alternative child.

She loves to burrough into the pillows and covers. When we have those times that we can park for the night we get our food either from the truck stop or Ruth Ann cooks it and we get the TV ready to watch. We get our PJ's on and sit back on the bed and watch the TV and enjoy our food, all the while two little beady eyes are peeking out from under a pillow or blanket at the end of the bed with a mouth salivating with anticipation of leftovers. We are done and always leave some for her. When she is done, most of the time we are on top of the covers because that is where we want to be. Baby Girl will walk up my chest and look at me and whisper bark at me. She will do this a couple of times and when I do nothing it gets a little louder. When I still say nothing she will go nose to nose with me as if saying "Look at me, look at me " then barks again. I say," I do not want to be under the cover, if I did I would be there. I continue to watch the TV and she gets her little attitude in a fluff, and now puts her whole weight into my chest. Now, she already had her whole body on my chest and it was not that big of a deal. Some how she can stiffen and make all 9 1/2 pounds zero in through her tiny paws right onto one of your ribs and now she feels like she weighs a ton and gives me one of those do it right now BARKS. I lift the cover and get under it, oh___I have to be under the cover also even though I do not want to be under it. As soon as I am under the cover, and God for bid I put the cover down before she gets under also, she goes and pretty much claws and pries my legs apart enough for her little body to fit in and she is happy, I am burning up but she is happy. " Happy dog happy life ! "

Anyway, I am a Dog People and am proud of it and would have it no other way.



You all be safe......Later, Brad