" O...M...G "

Well, here it is, a beautiful sunny day, a little chilly but what the heck, it is winter after all. We just left Nevada and are now in California headed to Porterville, CA to deliver. We are taking our time and enjoying the ride and scenery as we have lots of time. We come to one of the highways that are on our route and it says that trucks of a certain length are not advised, but we are from WV and are used to twisty roads and since we are routed that way... venture on. No big deal, yep..had a couple tight turns but no problems. Now we are at Lake Isabella,CA and it is gorgeous. Big lake surrounded by mountains and it has a cute little town. This is where we pick up a different highway, HIGHWAY???, more like someone's driveway. As soon as you turn onto it you are going up an 11% grade with "S" turns and switchbacks and it says for the next 14 miles. The truck must have read the sign also because all of a sudden it did not want to deal with it anymore and we had just got started. On up, up, up we go and then a sign reads.."Winter Conditions May Exist". HHHMMmmmm,well like I said, it is winter..so onward travelers, onward. Every once in awhile, there is some snow and ice on the road but we have no problems..hehehe, this is going to be a cake walk...(Never ever never say that)...We are now but 2 miles from the top, 2 miles and 50 miles from delivery. The truck must know that because I can hear the RPM's going up and the truck is getting all excited and huffing and puffing and even dancing.....wait a minute...the truck is not going faster, just the engine, and that huffing and puff sound is really the transmission changing gears back and forth and the dancing is us sliding side to side and backwards.. we are on snow and ice about 100 feet for dry pavement..."OMG."..we have lost traction and are lo longer going forward...."HOLY CRAP"....we are going backwards....(remember me mentioning that it is a 14 mile hill with "S" turns and switchbacks and oh yeah 11% GRADE?????) and the friggin brakes are of no use....think think think....try to jack-knife more then you already are and put the back of the trailer into the snow bank on the mountain side. Alas, we are stopped with the rear doors of the trailer in the snow bank and the tractor jacked a little into the middle of the road but not enough to block traffic, oh yeah, during this fun ride backwards the passenger side bumper was able to stop BEFORE we did, and now has ridded its self of extra weight like braces, brackets and some useless plastic. Okay, I have stopped peeing my pants and was able to pry my hands from the steering wheel. I need to get out and view the situation. Just as soon as my feet hit the snowy icy pavement they decided the view would be much better if they were above my head and they take flight and my butt makes a nose dive for the frozen earth...wwwwweeeeeeeee...oh just fun...BAM...not so funny..I get up and scold my feet for their prank....perhaps I should not have been so harsh with them as they retaliated and did it again a little later. We carry chains because we have to, it is the law in some states, but we do not use them. If it is bad enough to put them on then it is bad enough not to go anywhere. But here we are, in a very bad situation and I am going to have to put these #Q@$#%^$$#@ things on. Now the fun begins, while trying to get them out of the basket and bags they are in I have managed to bloody most of my knuckles, the tops of my hands and my fore arms, now I have a long sleeve shirt, a heavy coat and thick gloves on so I am not sure how all these wounds came about, oh yeah..I also broke 5 finger nails. But I get two chains out and as I am putting them on the tires...OUCH %%$#@&*&$#@#@$$#@ my head my head my head, the bottom of the trailer is really friggin hard..dammit...as I stand-up I punch the side of the trailer...OUCH....@##@#$%^%$##@ the friggin side of the trailer is hard also. Anyway, I have the chains on the tires and Ruth Ann now has to give it just a little gas so that the end of the chains will rotate around so I can secure them. Yea, I have them all hooked up. So now I climb back in the truck and very easily try, notice I said try, to get up the hill. The truck starts to move then..the truck makes these wired sounds "Nope,I am not gonna go no where cause I did not wanna come up here to begin with !!!"..and we don't. I get back out..remember what I said about the retaliation feet..well there I am again looking at the sky. I get back up and check out the chains..CRAP, broke one...get it off and now I got to dig out another one when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye..I turn and see that the Calvary has arrived...a CHP officer is walking my way. He says...What's going on? OMG I wish I had a sign right then so I could have said that I was in the area and wanted to install a new ride for the kids....here's your sign. But I thought better of that and told him that well, we were stuck and that one of my chains broke and we lost traction. He said yeah, but what are you doing up here...again, I thought about another sign thing..but knew I should not. I said we are headed to Porterville and that this is the way the company told us to come. He said NAY NAY, driver, no trucks over 65 feet in length are allowed on this highway ever, we are 75 feet, then the words..."LET ME HAVE YOUR DRIVER LICENCSE, MEDICAL CARD AND TRUCK REGISTRATION". CRAP, I know what that means. He did say for me to continue what I was doing...lucky for him he did not say to continue what I was thinking....Anyway, got a new chain on and low and behold...nope, it broke also. I am now ready to have war with the world and everything and everyone in it when he, the CHP, comes back and see's or feel's the raging maniac within me and kindly says now Sir, this does not go against your license. and that he is sure that the company will pay the fine as it is their fault for sending us this way and hands me the ticket..Oh thank you sir, I will send this into the company..ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. As it turns out he can see that we are in a position that is going to take more than chains and he leaves and goes and gets a road crew. They plow and throw some sand and hook their grader to us and pull us up to the cleared spot in the road, 100 feet, where we can make a "U" turn. They give us the thumbs up and I think laugh as they turn away. The CHP said that he would follow us and make sure we were okay, If he is so worried about us why doesn't he drive the damn truck down the mountain and let us drive his car?. So we start down, now we have an automatic transmission which means it is crap. We have Jake brakes but they only work in 6th or 7th gear at a faster speed then dead turtle, which is the speed I plan on taking. I put it in 1st gear and lock it in and start off, the RPM's go from 0 to 2500 in a heart beat, the engine is screaming, and I think I can make out the words it is saying.."WHAT THE F--- ARE YOU DOING TO ME????" I simply reply, better you than hot brakes. We drive, if that is what you want to call it, for about 2 miles that took nearly 30 minutes and get to dry pavement. I pull over to the side in a little pull off area and the CHP pulls up along side of us and said that we should be okay now for the rest of the way down, I get out and take the three chains I have on off and we continue the rest of the way down. We take the route that the CHP told us to take and 90 miles later we are on the back side of the mountain we were on and still 20 miles from delivery. Remember that when we where almost to the top we were but 50 miles from delivery? But we made it and all is well. The next day we put the truck in the shop to get the bumper replaced and also to fix a leaking windshield, nothing to do with the mountain. The bumper parts have be ordered so the company says to forget the bumper for now but to go ahead and fix the windshield. While they are taking the window out they break it and now it has to be ordered. So here we sit in a motel not making any money because some stupid computer programmer that has put a routing program together for us to follow has has (Politically Correct phrase) made love to us...think about it, think about it...aahhhh, I think you got it. Have I ever mentioned WHAT A GREAT LIFE A TRUCKERS LIFE IS ?????
AMEN !!!